DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: SEEKING SOLUTIONS

 Another 3AW Health Special

Sunday 3^rd December 2006   6PM – 8PM

Listen in Melbourne on 693 AM

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www.3aw.com.au   

MY VIEWS

A bit over 20 years ago, when I was a very young doctor I did a short locum job in a nice general practice in a very nice suburb. I vividly recall a middle aged woman who came in for a routine “plaster check” on her arm. This is where a plaster cast is applied to a broken limb and the patient is asked to return (or in this case see their local doctor ) within 24 hours to ensure that there hasn’t been too much swelling over night and that the plaster isn’t too tight.

Her plaster seemed fine. While I was checking it I asked her how she broke her arm. She didn’t say anything. I glanced up at her and she was looking rather intently at me. She said quickly “oh, I fell down the stairs”. I asked how that happened. She paused, then she told me it wasn’t the first time. …………It wasn’t the first time her husband had been violent towards her.

Did you tell the doctors at the hospital?

No, he always comes with me so I don’t say anything because he’d get angry, and besides who’d believe me. He’d deny it.

Is there something I can do?

I doubt it, but thanks. 

She left.

Later that day I asked one of the senior doctors if he knew her. She and her family were his long time patients. I told him what had said Nah, its not the case, she’s making it up. You know who her husband, is, he's …….. ! 

I can no longer  recall his name, only that he held a responsible position in our community.

I never saw her again. But I think about her on occasions. If only I had seen her again and been able to be an ear . Moreover, if only I had had  the skills and confidence then that I have now, to challenge the notion that she “was making it up”. Surely she deserved that. I hope since then someone did that for her.

 Things have changed . We now know that it’s rare for victims to lie about such things. We know domestic violence has no social, intellectual or racial bounds. We know victims need support and validation in order to become survivors.

 But some things haven’t really changed : Community attitudes to domestic violence are slow to evolve. This behaviour challenges everything we stand for and believe in.  It’s much easier to ignore it, stay out of other people’s problems and pretend it isn’t happening. But its time we all realised that won’t do. It’s an epidemic and we all have to change.

White Ribbon Day was last Saturday. This day is about men standing up and saying Violence against women must stop. Although women aren’t the only victims of domestic violence and highlighting them should in no way minimise the men who are brutalised by their partners, statistically men inflicting violence on their female intimate partner is by far the most common situation. While it’s a great leap forward to have men standing up for this cause  a once a year day just  isn’t enough. This has to be an ongoing commitment from the whole community.

As it is in many places around the world here in Victoria there is a serious and coordinated effort to tackle the problem of  Domestic Violence. Some of the key people involved in that push will be guests on my program. We will be discussing the issues, services and potential solutions.

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Along with the experts a friend of mine will also appear on the program. She is doing so because she wishes to highlight the need for us all to talk about these issues openly. Her personal situation has been the subject of public gossip for many years. There would be very few people in our State over the age of 40 who haven't heard  the rumours that have circulated, and still do, since the 1970’s about my friend  and the violence she suffered at the hand of her former husband. Although I had too had heard the rumours before she told me her story I didn’t know she had been one of his wives or that  she was one of the women the rumours were about. 

She first  told me her story around 4 years ago. It  came up in a matter-of- fact sort of way when I mentioned, in passing, that I had seen this man at an airport recently. The extent of the violence that she described was far worse than the rumours implied. However, the story  was typical of many I had heard before in clinical practice. She struck me as a survivor who now had her life together but I was staggered that she seemed oblivious to the support she had as having been exposed to such violence. I had no hesitation in believing her. After all why would she make something like this up? I asked her what it all meant in the context of today.  While she said she had moved on and had a successful life and loving family, she felt in order  to get complete closure she would live to validate her recollections. Nothing about revenge. Nothing about him. All about her. I said , as her friend, I would support her quest. I knew, as a medical practitioner, the facilities that were open to her, including her own GP.  She set about revisiting the past by seeking hospital records and people who were there at the time. It is important to understand that this  wasn’t a consuming obsession for her, life went on as usual. As for me ? Well, as women often are for their friends,  I was a sounding board : We’d chat on the phone or catch up for coffee, sometimes the issues would come up other times it was small talk about shopping and kids. I was able to assist her with things like the red tape of the hospital record system, and accompanying her when she wanted someone there. I felt strongly she needed to do this in her own time, but  also be encouraged not to react or do anything on impulse. 

Her journey culminated in the last two weeks with the scheduled publication of her story to coincide with White Ribbon Day Campaign. Some have questioned  the appropriateness of her story coming out after his death, but what many don’t know is that but she had already made the decision to tell her story in conjunction with White Ribbon Day  months before his death. White Ribbon Day has always been November 25th .

Some feel it is not right to tell her story now  because he cannot defend himself. I say, neither could she as he raped her, chased her and smashed her face into the concrete (The eye witness only emerged after his death). He had 30 years to publicly discount the rumours. He didn't do that. 

Some say it’s not fair for his family. I agree. He should have told them the truth before he died so they did not have to suffer this added burden. However,  what about  the pain her family has suffered? They are extremely supportive of her but have suffered in silence for years.  

Some question her motives. I believe her motives are not  about personal gain, revenge or anything like that. Like him, she would have probably gained more personally from not telling her story. However she wanted to assist in the quest to bring DV out into the open. She does admit that she also wanted him to apologise. 

Before speaking ill of her consider if she was your sister, or mother.  While the timing is unfortunate it does not minimise what happened to her then or her right to deal with it as she chooses. Violence like this is a crime, but even now many, many victims choose not to  prosecute  through fear or ignorance. Don’t forget in the 1970’s the law and police attitudes  were  different compared with now.  

She has given me permission to speak freely on this topic. She says she has nothing to hide. While there is no requirement for me  to defend her position, I want to speak up for her now because I want other friends of survivors to feel they can be open in their support of those they care about,  too.

First - her story is about her survival – not the perpetrator. If he had not been identified it may have cast doubt  upon any other  partner she may have had. This man enjoyed a high profile and he should continue to be admired as one of the most skilled people in his field. She has never denied him this right. Nor has she ever been anything other than gracious towards his family, friends or fans. However, the information in her story will challenge those who admire him and probably make them angry to hear it. This anger would be misplaced if directed at her . Any anger should probably more properly be interpreted as frustration at our own frailties. The realisation that the world isn’t perfect, and finding out that those we hoped were flawless  simply aren’t, is very hard to swallow.

Maybe we all have something to answer for. Maybe he was a victim too, a man placed on a pedestal and required to be perfect so we could feel better about the world. How could someone whose moniker even included the title “perfect” ever admit something as cowardly as brutalising his beautiful young wife? How could he be brave enough to seek help from anyone when l who knew she had been anointed as the loveliest women in the country? They were held up as the golden couple. 

Yes, he has a very high profile now but in the 1970’s she was much  more  a public figure than him. She had been  crowned the most beautiful woman in the country and appeared nightly on TV. Their wedding was televised. 

 Apparently he was not violent towards his next partner or their children, but that doesn’t absolve his previous behaviour or wipe  it from history. It seems sad that  maybe he  did not admit to his family what had really happened. Sad too that while they would must have  heard the rumours they didn't seek the facts. Quite some time prior to his death I attended a lunch also attended by his long time partner, from whom he had recently split.  I talked with her. She said she had heard the rumours but that since it hadn't happened to her she had difficulty believing them.  I offered to arrange a meeting with my friend if she wished. I don’t know whether she told him about our conversation but I never heard from either of them.

 Maybe if my friend and her then husband had received appropriate support and access to services when the violence was happening  would have been different. 

Ironically only a couple of weeks prior to his death I considered seeking a meeting with him. I wondered if he might have never had full closure either. Maybe  I could offer to facilitate a meeting  that might allow him to feel safe to apologise to her.  I spoke to my friend about  it. She thought it was a good idea.  At first this seemed like an odd place to end up, but in retrospect it was a sign of closure. There was room to accept his frailties and that he too may have been let down by those around him. I should have done it then because there will be no chance now. But why didn’t any of those who were close to him for all those years do it ? The rumours were very public so surely they would have wanted them to end. Why let either of them endure these rumours ?  What stopped them wanting to find  the truth?  I note that his long time partner said in a recent  media interview that she did confront him on it once and that  his response was not "I didn’t do it" but simply  “you know me”…. Did she ? 

I think it  is wrong to inflict the  burden of an expectation of perfection on any mortal. This man was not the only "celebrity" shown  to have flaws. The tabloids are full of them. We tut-tut at those who read these mags but we created the  market for them ourselves.  And we might not buy them but we  do sneak a peak at the check out counter in the supermarket, just to validate that our own lives are ok. Some may tut-tut at my friend telling her story via what they consider a tabloid publication. But this magazine was a  major partner in White Ribbon Day and willing to stand up and be counted on the issue. Although it may seem strange to some, to my friend it  was the safest  way she knew  to speak out.  She felt in control, and that is something she deserved to finally feel. Patrice Fidgeon wrote her story for the magazine and being the extremely experienced ,honest journalist she is and  a woman of conviction she sought first hand interviews to convince herself of the veracity of the story. The headlines may have been bold but the story spoke for itself. It put the rumours to bed. 

I willingly pledged to my friend that I would  stand beside her no matter how she decided to deal with her experiences. She considered all the pros and cons of going public with her story, but it was always going to be her decision. She finally had control over a part of her life that had belonged to so many other people.  I was prepared to stand beside her  had he been alive, and I will not let her down now that he is dead. I will not tolerate anyone attempting to discredit her. She is a genuine person and simply a survivor of destructive, violent behaviour. Her life was public property then and she wanted to claim it back. Her  failing at the time  was that she could not understand why the man she loved hurt her so badly. For three decades people whispered their story at dinner parties and in tea rooms. “Everyone knows he did it” was the catch cry, but very few, it seems, bothered to validate that to her.  I wonder if anyone talked to him in a way he could  not feel threatened by admitting his  actions.  Over the last four years since she told me she has been on a journey that has been very positive for her. For the first time she went to the State Library and read the newspapers confronting what  was written about them back then. For the first time she sought out her hospital records and finally found the doctor who treated her at the time to verify that while she had a serious reaction to the events she had no prior or ongoing psychological problems. Why now ?  Because it was time; Because she felt safe and strong enough to revisit a very painful time in her life; Because she had support from family and friends.    

A few months ago she made a statement  in passing to me  -  she said " I just wish I could reach back through time , take the hand of the vulnerable girl I was , give her a cuddle and tell her it will all be ok."   The pain was over and the  healing complete. 

I admire her.  I feel sorry for him. 

This was a tragic story about a young couple who didn't get the help or support they needed  but she wants that story to be no longer about the individuals who lived it but rather about hope for change for everyone. 

The problem is that there are many people right now living with ongoing violence or unresolved past trauma.

Please take every opportunity to hold  the hands of people you love,  give them a cuddle and tell them you will  be there for them .

Tonight my friend is appearing on the program not to go through all this again and not to talk about him. But rather  to focus on ways to stop the epidemic of domestic violence. Her former husband has  played no part in her life for many years. He is gone and discussion about him is not relevant to this program. I hope you will respect this. She moved on a long, long time ago, bears no ill will towards him and encourages those who wish to remember and admire his skills as a sportsman, relative  or  friend to continue to do so.  

 I feel sorry he never saw a chance in 30 years to resolve this properly. 

I hope that will be something here or in the program that might encourage people in similar situations  or those who are currently either inflicting pain or suffering it to seek help to resolve their trauma while they do  have a chance. I hope their friends and family can  feel strong enough to get involved and assist with the aim of finding peace.

 There is support available, its never too late to seek it. 

 If you want to know what resources are available - I  have compiled an extensive list of resources  HERE

Please join us tonight from 6 PM.

SUMMARY OF POINTS REGARDING HER  STORY

 * She made the decision to tell her story in association with White Ribbon Day because she felt it was the right cause. This decision was made early this year well prior to his tragic death .

 * She chose the New Idea Magazine because it was the official partner of White Ribbon Day.

 * She chose Today Tonight because they were partners in White Ribbon Day and as she had formerly worked for the seven network she felt safe talking to them.

 * She has not said anything disparaging about her former husband’s career, life or family. She has only described his violence towards her and her thoughts on why he did it.

 * She has an eye witness who has made a public statement that she saw her former husband being violent towards her.  In a court of law in the absence of something to discredit that witness if charged it would be difficult to imagine he would not be convicted of assault on that evidence.  .

 * She has a medical report from a doctor who treated her at the time. The doctor attested  that any psychological illness she suffered at the time was a direct consequence of the mental and physical trauma she had been subjected to by her husband. At my friend’s request, I attended the consultation when she saw that doctor for the first time decades after the incident. The doctor said a lot more than that contained in the report. What she said was entirely consistent with everything else my friend had said, the witness saw, hospital records and with her family members’ recollections.

 FACTS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE  

 WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION

 “Each culture has its sayings and songs about the importance of home, and the comfort and

security to be found there. Yet for many women, home is a place of pain and humiliation.

……, violence against women by their male partners is common, wide-spread and far-reaching in its impact. For too long hidden behind closed doors and avoided in public discourse, such violence can no longer be denied as part of everyday life for millions of women.”

Foreword from the Multi Country Study in Women's Health and Domestic Violence against Women . 24000 women took part. http://www.who.int/gender/violence/who_multicountry_study/summary_report/summary_report_English2.pdf

 Gender-based violence, or violence against women (VAW), is a major public health and human rights problem throughout the world.

Violence against women has profound implications for health but is often ignored. WHO's World Report on Violence and Health notes that "one of the most common forms of violence against women is that performed by a husband or male partner.” This type of violence is frequently invisible since it happens behind closed doors, and effectively, when legal systems and cultural norms do not treat as a crime, but rather as a "private" family matter, or a normal part of life.

 OFFICE OF WOMEN’S POLICY (VICTORIAN STATE GOVERNMENT )

 “The Government is providing $35.1 million to reform family violence services and develop a new integrated service system where community services, police, courts and Government are working together.

The goal of the system reform is to improve the safety of women and children and increase the accountability of men who are violent….

 Together, under the new approach to family violence we can increase support to victims of family violence, we can encourage victims to speak out, we can make offenders accountable and we can make the justice system more accessible.”

DEPARTMENT OF HUMAN SERVICES (VICTORIAN GOVERNMENT)

 “Family and domestic violence is any violent, threatening, coercive or controlling behaviour that occurs in current or past family, domestic or intimate relationships. This includes not only physical injury but direct or indirect threats, sexual assault, emotional and psychological torment, economic control, damage to property, social isolation and any behaviour which causes a person to live in fear.

The term "family violence" encompasses violence that might occur between family members, such as violence between siblings or across generations, in addition to violence between partners. Use of the term family violence also reflects indigenous communities' preference for the term because it more accurately reflects extended kinship ties and how the impact of violence affects all members of a family.

While child abuse and family violence are generally considered separately, it is important to acknowledge the inter-relationship between family violence and child abuse. These forms of violence often coexist, with violence being directed towards both women and children. It is also a form of psychological child abuse, if a child hears or witnesses violence directed towards their mother or a sibling, even if that child is not a primary victim.

Family violence is predominantly, but not exclusively, perpetrated by men against women and children. Violence can occur in any kind of relationship including, lesbian relationships and against people who are elderly or disabled. Family violence perpetrated against older people is often called elder abuse, although this term can also include abuse by professional carers.”

 RACGP  

(Royal Australian College of General Practitioners )

WOMEN AND VIOLENCE  (Online Publication )

 “In the survey in Melbourne women were asked if they had discussed the abuse with their doctor. 27% of women had discussed it with their doctor. Of those who had not told their doctor, 56% said that their doctor had never asked; 14% were too embarrassed; 3% did not trust their doctor; and 2% feared the partner may find out.”

 Mazza, D., Dennerstein, L., and Ryan, V., (1996) “Physical, Sexual and Emotional Violence Against Women:

a General Practice-based Prevalence Study”, MJA, vol.164, 1 January, pp.14–17.  

MYTH: WOMEN AND CHILDREN FREQUENTLY LIE ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT.

This is not the case. Hearing about abuse and violence confronts our own beliefs about the family and the world we live in. It can make us feel very uncomfortable. It is not the case that women and children lie that they have been assaulted. They are more likely not to speak about it.

 MYTH: WOMEN DESERVE TO GET RAPED AND BEATEN.

THEY PROVOKE THE ASSAULT BY THEIR BEHAVIOUR AND CLOTHING.

Violence is never an acceptable method for solving conflict. Spouses do not have the right to physically assault one another regardless of the provocation. Most battered women try to do everything they can to

please their partners and avoid further violent episodes. In cases of sexual assault, women do not invite the assault by their behaviour or by how they are dressed. Belief in this myth allows us to shift the blame for the violent assault from the men and onto the women who are beaten or raped.

 MYTH: IF THERE ARE NO VISIBLE INJURIES THEN THE ASSAULT CANNOT HAVE BEEN THAT BAD.

Frequently there are no visible signs of assault or violence in rape or domestic violence presentations. This does not mean that the emotional or psychological effects of the assault are minimised or that the effects

will be any less devastating to the women.

Some women say physical abuse is easier to bear and that the scars will heal. The emotional and psychological scars are often more resistant to treatment.

Post traumatic stress disorder (“PTSD”) is recognised as being likely to manifest itself following a “psychologically distressing event that is outside the range of usual human experience”.21 Sexual assault and domestic violence are recognised as being events that can result in PTSD, due to the assaults and/or violence being experienced with feelings of terror, being in fear for one’s life, loss of control and a sense of helplessness.

Any life-threatening situation can result in long-term responses. Among those associated with sexual assault are phobic avoidance of similar situations to where the assault happened, anxiety, fear, withdrawal,

isolation, depression, appetite and sleep disturbances as well as problems with intimate and sexual relationships.